Breakdown

So I tried to write a post a few days ago and found I just didn’t have the energy, however a few things have happened since then that I deem important enough to immortalise in the cloud.

The girl from work, the one it all went fucking so terribly with, had a birthday celebration last night. She partied with two other people from work that I would have considered my closest friends. I’ve grown distant from them though. When one assumed I was trying to fuck her, well that put a real dampener on our friendship and the other guy just sort of followed along with her I guess. So they were out tearing it up and having a great time whilst I was hung-over in work, still wearing the same clothes as yesterday because I hadn’t been home yet.

I hadn’t been home yet because a few other people from work didn’t think it was a good idea after I had had an emotional breakdown outside a bar the night before.

It was a work night out, the last one before Christmas, and I don’t honestly know what happened. One second I was fine and the next I was in floods of tears and couldn’t stop crying. I had never felt so distraught in my life. They of course were supportive and tried to reassure me but it didn’t help. The scariest part is that I don’t know what caused it. My life isn’t great at the moment but I didn’t think I was in this much trouble. Everything might be finally catching up to me. The miscarriages, the failed relationships, forgotten friendships, university struggles… all of it.

What I notice is that no matter how many times people reassure me that I’m a nice guy, a genuine guy who stands out from the rest and actually cares about others… it’s me that’s crying in the street. My old friends are happy without me, I don’t even cross their minds and to the work colleagues I was with that night I considered myself to be nothing short of a burden. I was an embarrassing mess.

I feel tired, like the world is heavy and I just don’t have the same energy as I did before. I broke down a few months ago, cried myself to sleep, alone in my room. Now with this new incident, I’m scared.

The Truth

There’s nothing worse than finding out the truth through roundabout ways.

 

Like when you find out what your friends truly think about you because you overheard a conversation that someone thought was confidential.

 

When you find out that the girl who was put off by your openness and sensitivity wrote on her blog that she was broken when another man failed to show her the same thing

 

I suppose there could be worse now that I think about it. I realised that I hate coming to my own conclusions. When you are standing alone, drunk and high at 4 o’clock in the morning outside a house party and you wish you weren’t. I don’t mean wish you weren’t drunk or high, but wish you weren’t there. You find yourself wishing you weren’t near these people. You don’t trust them and you barely like them but let’s face it… what choice have you got?

The last person you felt anything for didn’t want to be any closer to you than you do to these drunks. Your friends have all grown up and moved on, with life, love and careers. You alone are left to wallow in this sceptic tank of self pity. Better fucking get used to it. Stub out your cigarette and put on a brave face, because it only gets worse from here. When the sun comes up make your excuses and get the fuck out of there. Sleep alone tonight. Like every other night

I Have Issues

There is a new girl from work. She is very attractive. What the fuck is wrong with me?

So my workplace recently had new employees. One of which is a slightly younger girl, with long deep red hair and a very sweet smile. She has a flawless face (I don’t count freckles as flaws), a soft voice and big eyes. She’s thin and small (I seem to like a specific type, don’t I?)

But here’s the kicker… Like the old Girl from Work… she also is in a relationship. That’s what it comes down to isn’t it? Every time I find myself getting attracted to someone, the startling revelation that someone else realised their great qualities before I did looms into the picture.

And it sucks. I would like to meet someone else to take my mind of things and help me to relax. This new Girl seems so down to earth and relaxed. No hidden turmoil, no flighty behaviour, seems genuinely interested in talking to me and not dropping off the face of the fucking Earth for days at a time.

In case anyone gives a shit anymore, because in honesty I don’t, I haven’t heard from the Girl from Work in about… 10 days? There abouts anyway. Supposedly she is dealing with the hardest thing she has ever had to go through and she needed me to be there for her to make her a functioning person again who can genuinely care about people. I told her she can always text or ring me and I will answer, at any time she needed me.

She hasn’t contacted me… Half way through the ten days of silence her grandmother passed. A friend of mine contacted me telling me the girl from work had come to her seeking comfort, so I texted her offering my sympathy and my ear if she needed it. Her reply… “I could have used it yesterday but I’m fine now.”

How could I have known she needed it the day before? She didn’t tell me what happened. She still wanted to spend time with my other friend because she needed someone but wouldn’t even text me. Also I would never tell someone how they should deal with grief but I feel like I would morn my dog for longer than one night if he were to die. She got over it pretty quickly and if she actually needed someone to talk to but just shunned me to make me feel bad for being distant lately, then I hope she realises she cut off her nose to spite her face.
Pettiness is another aspect of hers that I cannot abide.

Ok TL;DR.
New Girl in Work.
This one actually seems perfect.
Downside is she has a  boyfriend.
What the fuck is wrong with my taste?
I’m even more fed up with the old Girl from Work.

Progress is a Slow Process

Well, things with the girl from work have basically went to shit. Through very roundabout means I found out about her “amazing” casual sex with some hippie tosser and the fact that she has next to no strong feelings for me (anymore anyway, we used to lie in bed and she would say how much she liked me but I’m sure that was all just heat of the moment bullshit.)

What pisses me off is that she blames her condition for this behaviour. She claims she is bipolar or at the very least manic depressive.  she’ll be arranging a meeting with the doctor to check soon. She claims her radical differences in behaviour are attributable to this. However I assume being bipolar meant radical fluctuation back and forth, not weeks at a time of being invested and caring, then weeks of being distant, harsh and neglectful.

She has said she needs me to help her “become a functioning and caring person again”… We’ll see about that. I don’t understand. She doesn’t speak to me anymore unless I have done something wrong or she is upset (and no one else is probably answering). She doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore and she definitely isn’t interested in sex, I even think she is repulsed by the thought of us fucking… So why is she demanding that I be here for me? What does she want? Why is she just dragging me along by the dick?

I’ve deleted her number and blocked her from online profiles. I have essentially no way to directly contact her because to be honest I don’t trust myself. I need time to myself. It’s so hard to love someone and feel as though they couldn’t care less about you. I guess that’s the main thing I have learned after all this time with the Girl from Work. Regardless of your experience with relationships you are never beyond being messed around and ultimately heartbroken again.

 

Honestly.. I regret the entire thing.

Lust?

There is another side to the coin when talking about the dreams I have been having about my ex. It isn’t necessarily a negative side. In fact it almost assuredly is nothing close to negative. I’ve been having a lot of sex dreams about her too. I guess I’m just a bit frustrated at the moment but I find myself day dreaming and remembering some pretty great nights.

In my dreams we are always in either her bed at home or my current student bed. Which is odd because we haven’t slept in the latter but the former was subject to some amazing sessions. We would be fucking pretty much the entire dream and it would jump from scene to scene like it was edited by someone with ADHD.

The sex is so fucking hot. When I wake up I can almost still feel her skin on my hands, and I can nearly taste her on my tongue, for my tongue went basically everywhere.

She and I did have awesomely hot sex, but it also made us feel so close to each other. Couple the incredible lust alongside a genuine commitment and caring and you will have the best sex, undeniable, no questions dammit, no questions!

 

Both my caring dreams and my sex dreams of her are seriously confusing me. She has always had a space in my heart but I feel like if she were to come round later sit on the sofa with me and throw a film on, it would be like nothing had ever happened. We would simply pick up where we left off.

Things have been incredibly hectic for me lately, relationship wise anyway. I have basically come to terms with the fact that the girl from work and I will never have a relationship, but it also seems that the physical attraction has disappeared too. She just doesn’t seem interested. It hurts but I understand why.

I’m going to work on getting out more, meeting new people and hopefully finding someone to help me move on. I deserve to have someone who wants to be with me, and I definitely deserve to have sex with someone who wants to do the same with me.

Ghosts

I’ve been having these weird dreams lately..

They have been becoming more frequent as time goes by.

I have dreams of myself and my ex. The girl who I had the second miscarriage with and who I regret how I treated during all that. We are always sitting together, on a sofa in my student house, on a large chair in her actual home, or on a bench in the backyard of a friends house where we first met. I have my arms around her and she is lying in close to me. We embrace tightly and eventually she turns to me and says “I missed you, and I’m sorry… for everything.”

I smile back to her and say “I know… I’m sorry too.”

We kiss and sometimes she falls back into my arms and lies against my chest, other times she gets up and heads for bed. The dream fades at this point, but I know I am happy.

 

I don’t know what it means, if it means anything. I was never one to believe that dreams betrayed our deepest wants or desires. To me they were just embodiments of our emotions or mental state, if I was anxious I would have a nightmare etc. But this is strange… This dream is recurring and so similar every time.

I guess I do miss her, a little.

This is Actually What I Look Like…

I guess it’s about time I showed you guys what I look like…

The anonymity gimmick was nice whilst it lasted but ultimately what’s the point?

All I need now is for someone I know in my life to see me and reveal all this to everyone who knows me. Just my luck.

But, no fear and no shame, so here goes.

I recently got my hair cut, it used to be a long emo fringe and I shaved my beard for the occassion. Enjoy.

The Self, Without.

I’m sitting on my day off watching my flatmate play Mass Effect. It’s a sci-fi RPG videogame from about 200. You travel the galaxy and meet many alien races all with their own interesting characteristics and cultural habits.

In the hub world of the galactic senate there is a vendor of equipment who is of a race called Hanar. He looks somewhat like purple/pink ooze that levitates and resembles a melted squid. They have no facial features or defining features of any kind for that matter. They seemingly speak telepathically (everyone has translator chips of some sort embedded in their head, so we all understand each other).

The point of all this is that when the Hanar speak to someone that they are unfamiliar with or a member of another species in general, they never refer to themselves in the first person. They use words and phrases like “it is happy to help you”, or “this one is well stocked with weaponry”. He explains to you that when the Hanar speak with their family, or ones with whom they are intimate they then refer to themselves in the first person.

I think many see it as such an overlooked part of a game… it’s just a character trait of a race of big pink Jellyfish. I however couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I think it is really amazing that a race with seemingly no physical or auditory distinguishers, (for they all sound alike too),  can only find an identity through those they love. Do our relationships with other really effect who we are and how we view ourselves? Maybe not as obviously as in this game but I get what they were suggesting, and I appreciate it.

“This one is pleased to meet you”
“It wishes it never laid eyes on you!”

“I love you”

Confusion

Relationship wise I am all fucked up at the minute.

The girl from work knows that I love her. The truth came to light during a series of drunken texts as I pleaded with her to let me into the house as I had previously been a massive dick to her. Basically we have went from seeing each other to her not wanting to speak to me for a week or so to give herself time to compose herself. She is still at that place in her life where she does not want the commitment of a long term relationship, whereas I want nothing more so.

How I feel about her is genuinely worrying. I thought I had loved before but based on how it feels compared to this I knew nothing of it. I think about her all the time. To me she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen and the thought that I could upset her or cause her pain is the most torturous thought imaginable. When we have sex it is unbelievable! Looking up at her as we move together is the most erotic thing I have ever seen. Every curve and contour in her body fills me with lust and I can’t be close enough to her.

Unfortunately this feeling has it’s negative aspects too. I hate the thought of her with another man. Saying as we were never in a relationship and always open it is a real possibility but every time it wanders into my mind I feel physically sick and my heart breaks. When she chooses to spend time with others I wonder why. I wonder why she doesn’t want me to be there as much as I want her to be around me.

I wonder why she doesn’t love me as much as I love her.

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a long time. Relationship wise something very big has happened in my life. The girl from work ended her relationship with her boyfriend and shortly afterwards we began seeing each other!

Everything I wanted came true. We have been spending so much time together, going out, sitting in, playing pool, drinking, smoking and sleeping together. We haven’t spent a night apart for about a week and I couldn’t be happier.

However now… everything is coming undone. We have had an argument and she said she feels we should stop seeing each other. Saying we don’t feel the same bout each other, over a misunderstanding.

I’m honestly heartbroken, all I want is to be with her. I want he to see how much I care without scaring her away but I hate that this has created the illusion that I don’t care. I have never cared for anyone more. Which is probably why this is so scary. I felt like I had gotten what I wanted, for the first time since I could remember. And now I’m losing it. Just like that.