Breakdown

So I tried to write a post a few days ago and found I just didn’t have the energy, however a few things have happened since then that I deem important enough to immortalise in the cloud.

The girl from work, the one it all went fucking so terribly with, had a birthday celebration last night. She partied with two other people from work that I would have considered my closest friends. I’ve grown distant from them though. When one assumed I was trying to fuck her, well that put a real dampener on our friendship and the other guy just sort of followed along with her I guess. So they were out tearing it up and having a great time whilst I was hung-over in work, still wearing the same clothes as yesterday because I hadn’t been home yet.

I hadn’t been home yet because a few other people from work didn’t think it was a good idea after I had had an emotional breakdown outside a bar the night before.

It was a work night out, the last one before Christmas, and I don’t honestly know what happened. One second I was fine and the next I was in floods of tears and couldn’t stop crying. I had never felt so distraught in my life. They of course were supportive and tried to reassure me but it didn’t help. The scariest part is that I don’t know what caused it. My life isn’t great at the moment but I didn’t think I was in this much trouble. Everything might be finally catching up to me. The miscarriages, the failed relationships, forgotten friendships, university struggles… all of it.

What I notice is that no matter how many times people reassure me that I’m a nice guy, a genuine guy who stands out from the rest and actually cares about others… it’s me that’s crying in the street. My old friends are happy without me, I don’t even cross their minds and to the work colleagues I was with that night I considered myself to be nothing short of a burden. I was an embarrassing mess.

I feel tired, like the world is heavy and I just don’t have the same energy as I did before. I broke down a few months ago, cried myself to sleep, alone in my room. Now with this new incident, I’m scared.