Confusion

Relationship wise I am all fucked up at the minute.

The girl from work knows that I love her. The truth came to light during a series of drunken texts as I pleaded with her to let me into the house as I had previously been a massive dick to her. Basically we have went from seeing each other to her not wanting to speak to me for a week or so to give herself time to compose herself. She is still at that place in her life where she does not want the commitment of a long term relationship, whereas I want nothing more so.

How I feel about her is genuinely worrying. I thought I had loved before but based on how it feels compared to this I knew nothing of it. I think about her all the time. To me she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen and the thought that I could upset her or cause her pain is the most torturous thought imaginable. When we have sex it is unbelievable! Looking up at her as we move together is the most erotic thing I have ever seen. Every curve and contour in her body fills me with lust and I can’t be close enough to her.

Unfortunately this feeling has it’s negative aspects too. I hate the thought of her with another man. Saying as we were never in a relationship and always open it is a real possibility but every time it wanders into my mind I feel physically sick and my heart breaks. When she chooses to spend time with others I wonder why. I wonder why she doesn’t want me to be there as much as I want her to be around me.

I wonder why she doesn’t love me as much as I love her.