I Have Issues

There is a new girl from work. She is very attractive. What the fuck is wrong with me?

So my workplace recently had new employees. One of which is a slightly younger girl, with long deep red hair and a very sweet smile. She has a flawless face (I don’t count freckles as flaws), a soft voice and big eyes. She’s thin and small (I seem to like a specific type, don’t I?)

But here’s the kicker… Like the old Girl from Work… she also is in a relationship. That’s what it comes down to isn’t it? Every time I find myself getting attracted to someone, the startling revelation that someone else realised their great qualities before I did looms into the picture.

And it sucks. I would like to meet someone else to take my mind of things and help me to relax. This new Girl seems so down to earth and relaxed. No hidden turmoil, no flighty behaviour, seems genuinely interested in talking to me and not dropping off the face of the fucking Earth for days at a time.

In case anyone gives a shit anymore, because in honesty I don’t, I haven’t heard from the Girl from Work in about… 10 days? There abouts anyway. Supposedly she is dealing with the hardest thing she has ever had to go through and she needed me to be there for her to make her a functioning person again who can genuinely care about people. I told her she can always text or ring me and I will answer, at any time she needed me.

She hasn’t contacted me… Half way through the ten days of silence her grandmother passed. A friend of mine contacted me telling me the girl from work had come to her seeking comfort, so I texted her offering my sympathy and my ear if she needed it. Her reply… “I could have used it yesterday but I’m fine now.”

How could I have known she needed it the day before? She didn’t tell me what happened. She still wanted to spend time with my other friend because she needed someone but wouldn’t even text me. Also I would never tell someone how they should deal with grief but I feel like I would morn my dog for longer than one night if he were to die. She got over it pretty quickly and if she actually needed someone to talk to but just shunned me to make me feel bad for being distant lately, then I hope she realises she cut off her nose to spite her face.
Pettiness is another aspect of hers that I cannot abide.

Ok TL;DR.
New Girl in Work.
This one actually seems perfect.
Downside is she has a  boyfriend.
What the fuck is wrong with my taste?
I’m even more fed up with the old Girl from Work.

Progress is a Slow Process

Well, things with the girl from work have basically went to shit. Through very roundabout means I found out about her “amazing” casual sex with some hippie tosser and the fact that she has next to no strong feelings for me (anymore anyway, we used to lie in bed and she would say how much she liked me but I’m sure that was all just heat of the moment bullshit.)

What pisses me off is that she blames her condition for this behaviour. She claims she is bipolar or at the very least manic depressive.  she’ll be arranging a meeting with the doctor to check soon. She claims her radical differences in behaviour are attributable to this. However I assume being bipolar meant radical fluctuation back and forth, not weeks at a time of being invested and caring, then weeks of being distant, harsh and neglectful.

She has said she needs me to help her “become a functioning and caring person again”… We’ll see about that. I don’t understand. She doesn’t speak to me anymore unless I have done something wrong or she is upset (and no one else is probably answering). She doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore and she definitely isn’t interested in sex, I even think she is repulsed by the thought of us fucking… So why is she demanding that I be here for me? What does she want? Why is she just dragging me along by the dick?

I’ve deleted her number and blocked her from online profiles. I have essentially no way to directly contact her because to be honest I don’t trust myself. I need time to myself. It’s so hard to love someone and feel as though they couldn’t care less about you. I guess that’s the main thing I have learned after all this time with the Girl from Work. Regardless of your experience with relationships you are never beyond being messed around and ultimately heartbroken again.

 

Honestly.. I regret the entire thing.

Ghosts

I’ve been having these weird dreams lately..

They have been becoming more frequent as time goes by.

I have dreams of myself and my ex. The girl who I had the second miscarriage with and who I regret how I treated during all that. We are always sitting together, on a sofa in my student house, on a large chair in her actual home, or on a bench in the backyard of a friends house where we first met. I have my arms around her and she is lying in close to me. We embrace tightly and eventually she turns to me and says “I missed you, and I’m sorry… for everything.”

I smile back to her and say “I know… I’m sorry too.”

We kiss and sometimes she falls back into my arms and lies against my chest, other times she gets up and heads for bed. The dream fades at this point, but I know I am happy.

 

I don’t know what it means, if it means anything. I was never one to believe that dreams betrayed our deepest wants or desires. To me they were just embodiments of our emotions or mental state, if I was anxious I would have a nightmare etc. But this is strange… This dream is recurring and so similar every time.

I guess I do miss her, a little.

Confusion

Relationship wise I am all fucked up at the minute.

The girl from work knows that I love her. The truth came to light during a series of drunken texts as I pleaded with her to let me into the house as I had previously been a massive dick to her. Basically we have went from seeing each other to her not wanting to speak to me for a week or so to give herself time to compose herself. She is still at that place in her life where she does not want the commitment of a long term relationship, whereas I want nothing more so.

How I feel about her is genuinely worrying. I thought I had loved before but based on how it feels compared to this I knew nothing of it. I think about her all the time. To me she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen and the thought that I could upset her or cause her pain is the most torturous thought imaginable. When we have sex it is unbelievable! Looking up at her as we move together is the most erotic thing I have ever seen. Every curve and contour in her body fills me with lust and I can’t be close enough to her.

Unfortunately this feeling has it’s negative aspects too. I hate the thought of her with another man. Saying as we were never in a relationship and always open it is a real possibility but every time it wanders into my mind I feel physically sick and my heart breaks. When she chooses to spend time with others I wonder why. I wonder why she doesn’t want me to be there as much as I want her to be around me.

I wonder why she doesn’t love me as much as I love her.

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a long time. Relationship wise something very big has happened in my life. The girl from work ended her relationship with her boyfriend and shortly afterwards we began seeing each other!

Everything I wanted came true. We have been spending so much time together, going out, sitting in, playing pool, drinking, smoking and sleeping together. We haven’t spent a night apart for about a week and I couldn’t be happier.

However now… everything is coming undone. We have had an argument and she said she feels we should stop seeing each other. Saying we don’t feel the same bout each other, over a misunderstanding.

I’m honestly heartbroken, all I want is to be with her. I want he to see how much I care without scaring her away but I hate that this has created the illusion that I don’t care. I have never cared for anyone more. Which is probably why this is so scary. I felt like I had gotten what I wanted, for the first time since I could remember. And now I’m losing it. Just like that.

It’s This Simple

I recently bought a printed book of some of the Sinfest web-comic strips. They are very well written satires of modern life, human behaviour, religion and social convention. I even found myself relating to several of them although it felt like I was having the piss taken out of me for doing so half the time. It was a weird paradox.

Every time I spend time with the Girl from work it’s as simple as it is for slick in this strip. I spent the night at hers, nothing too intimate happened we just held each other as we slept, and I couldn’t help but turn over all my problems like I usually do whilst I lay here with her sleeping beside me. I thought a lot about where she and I were going, considering we are only getting closer and closer.

However when she turned over and put her head on my chest, reaching her hand up to play with my hair, and lift her leg up across mine… I couldn’t help but feel peaceful. Who knows what might happen next year, or next month, or even tomorrow? All I knew then was that I had an amazing girl who was cuddled into me and content enough to sleep in my arms.

It was a simple pleasure, but sometimes they are the best kind.

6 am in the forest park

We fell asleep at 6 am in our room of the tent, in the forest. We had been up all night drinking and smoking together. Talking about anything that comes to mind and laughing at so many other things that should never come to mind.

It’s the same every time we smoke together. We sit together, you lie against me or you lie with me and we just enjoy each others company. We find countless hours of enjoyment just by talking to each other. I haven’t laughed as loud or as long as when I do with you when the sun is rising.

Maybe you could put it down to the water we drank but I don’t think so. How can you tell me of your endless fighting with your boyfriend and yet not realise our obvious connection? How can you tell me of his lack of trust and support and yet not see that I am there for you, I’m always there for you.

We spoke all night and you fell asleep in my arms. You pressed your body into mine and it was a perfect night. It was the perfect night. I wouldn’t have been anywhere else in the world.

Every time I dream though I do inevitably wake. It’s just a memory now.

Quick Update

Yea so I know I have been inactive for quite some time and it’s just because I have been really busy. I have freed up now though so let me catch you up on what I have been up to and my shitty past few weeks. It wouldn’t be Pensive Digression if I didn’t bitch for a few paragraphs.

So I finished university for this term, waste of time of course as I half assed the assignments and wouldn’t be surprised if they just dropped my ass anyway. I’m really coming to the end of my tolerance of this bullshit. It’s the sae Goddamn thing over and over again and I am really not enjoying myself. It’s wearing pretty thin.

Been going out drinking with the girl from work who, YES, I am still hopelessly smitten with, and YES,  nothing is still happening with. She left the after party because she was on a massive guilt trip from her boyfriend about not being there with him while he read a fucking book. The next morning I texted her to see if she was ok and was treated to a nice recap of their great make up fuck.

It’s pathetic to think that after he leaves for placement for a year that she’ll just drop him immediately and come over to my house beer in hand with suggestive intentions but what else can I do to torture myself huh? I hear so many complaints about her relationship and I’m probably one more away from shaking her and saying “I’m standing right here! You see me here right! I have had feelings for you since we met! And you can bet I won’t be guilt tripping you on a night out or making you feel so shitty on a regular basis.”

Summer has come though, and my two weeks off work are just a week away. I am going to a comic convention which is coming to my city, should be great merchandise and stalls around it. The best bit will be the live fights from the old “Robot Wars” T.V. show. I think I’ll go home as well. My nephews are missing me and it’s easy for me to see them as family and I know the time since I saw them last isn’t that long but to a 5 year old who thinks you are his best friend it must be a lot longer. I do miss them don’t get me wrong it’s just I like to stay in my student house.

I’ve also found out I like to be alone, a lot more than I used to anyway. There was a period last year that I lived in my student house alone for roughly 6-7 weeks and it was probably the closest to depressed I had ever been. My flatmate didn’t come up as he had a placement elsewhere, my other friends had long since stopped inviting me out, and I had recently just broken up with a girl I had been seeing for several months at the time.
What’s funny now is that although I’m basically every bit as lonely as back then. I am seeking out solitude more and more. When you are sick of education, tired of socialising, and fed up with chasing someone you idealise, (who you are still convinced wouldn’t care if you just never turned up again), it’s nice to be alone doing nothing, with a beer or two… or ten.

Purpose

I’ve been feeling kind of listless lately. Kind of like I have been drifting through life with little care for my surroundings. I don’t really know why I am so disinterested with everything. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, whether I know them or not. I wake up at roughly 2-3pm every day, unless I’m working, and have to spend about 20 minutes deciding what menial task I want to do for the day.

I need to find something to give me a bit of purpose. What could that be though? I’ve basically given up on the girl from work. I still think she is beautiful and I do still feel for her but I realise I fell too quickly too fast over someone I shouldn’t have.

Meeting someone else won’t be easy though. I don’t get in to social areas too often and when I do it is normally work (which is full of less than preferable…”mates”), or on a night out with friends in which I basically become an extra support for the wall. Saying that I did go out on Saturday and met a girl from my past. We talked and made out a little, made me feel pretty damn good about myself because she is very good looking. I can’t be doing all that bad can I?

I’m also thinking more about my relationship with my family. I don’t really spend a lot of time with them anymore. I’m at home now and it is the first time I have been for two months. In that time I have missed two birthdays (my middle nephew and my dad), Easter, and more than one family days out to the beach/zoo/whatever. I miss my nephews very much and my family too, but I don’t like coming home.

I have no idea why I am so distant from the world, or why I choose to distance myself.
I don’t really know what I am prepared to do about it either.

Can I Stop Being Pathetic?

When I walk past the people in my work I keep my head down. I don’t want to start a conversation with any of them because I’ll probably end up offending someone with some joke that I didn’t really mean. I don’t fit in with these people, I talk to two guys often and it’s only because they are as socially inept as I am. I avert my gaze when they approach me hoping that they will pass me by. I prefer to eat alone or not at all in the canteen, whatever means less interaction. Sometimes I really do want to transfer back to my old work.

My fascination with the girl from work is just pissing me off now. I don’t think I ever loved her really. How could I have? I never knew anything about her, still barely know a thing. She has shared some things with me but of course she managed to keep up her defences whereas I just drop mine as soon as I get a drop of liqueur in me. Since the whole blow-out over her boyfriend becoming jealous and us having to distance ourselves and talk less I haven’t done such a good job coping on my own.

Whether I thought she cared or not I did take a lot of comfort knowing that she was at least listening. We went out with a few friends and of course I bitched and moaned to her again, after promising myself that I wouldn’t. I just can’t keep my own shit to myself. I used to do such a good job of bottling up all my emotional problems… What the fuck happened to me? I find someone I can trust and I turn into fucking dependant moron.

I think I’m going to cut out some of the superfluous people in my life. I don’t need the girl from work anymore. I fooled myself into thinking that I meant something to her and she could save me from this slump I am in but that just isn’t true. I don’t need most of the people in work. They aren’t interesting, aren’t genuine and it’s obvious that they couldn’t give less of a fuck when it comes to finding out about the new guy they are working with.

Yea… work fucking sucks.